I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
