Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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