the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
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i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
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Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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