Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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