he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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