my phone needs a breathalizer
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
