She is in my trunk
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
