There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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