Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
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How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
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Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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