I heard we made out
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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