ya dads aren't the best wingmen
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
