Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
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I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
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That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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