Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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