Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
pray to the hookup gods
I supernannyed him into submission
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
