we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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