my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
