lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
