If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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