after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
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does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
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Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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