SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
