i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
