Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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