Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
