she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
