Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
