I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I look better un-naked...
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
