So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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