You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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