the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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