I need to stop coming to work sober
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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