That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm getting married
To pizza
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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