I think I won the penis lottery.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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