So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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