i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
did you just send me my own nude
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
