I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize
