So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
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no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
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Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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