for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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