I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....