i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
