im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
