So drunk its hurt
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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