I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
