Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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