If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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