I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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