We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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