Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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