I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
