normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
