Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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