she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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