look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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