Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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