if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
