i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I would ride that face into the sunset
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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