Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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