im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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