So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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